| i drank bleach last night |
[17 Oct 2004|06:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 suicidal |
] |
whats wrong with u? what do u want from me? hadnt u had enough? what u did to me. how u made me cry each night. now ur asking for more. what can i do so that ull leave me alone? when will u stop hurting me?
please, i beg of u, stay out of my life. i dont need u anymore. ive moved on. go get alive, u fucken drunk mofo! those feelings i had of u then had since died. u no longer exist. u are my past. please dont make my present any worse. and please dont u dare ruin my future.
i want u no more. i need u no more. the thought of u is sinister. the thought of u is suicide.
ps: i love my dearest sister Martina so much. this was what she said to me: "please, if u ever gonna hang urself, let me be the first to know.. u know ill miss u.." and "if u ever gonna cut, i promise ill cut too"
i wont leave u alone in this cruel world, beloved sis. i will always be with u, if not physically, then spiritually. i dont think anyone would ever miss me and love me that much, is there? comment on this if u swear u will miss me when i die
|
|
| its the end of the world |
[16 Oct 2004|11:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
suicidal |
] |
im down with the flu.
am very upset too.
hopefully ill die tonight.
rest in peace Fariza.
17/12/1987 - 16/10/2004
|
|
| urgh! |
[15 Oct 2004|02:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
attention to all my school teachers! please stop calling or coming over my place. ur tearing my family apart. ok. i should stop blaming others for all thats happening. maybe its my fault. but but but! its not that i never turn up to school means im bumming around at home. i do study ok!!! for all u dumbass, shut up and stay out of my life!!!!! if i flunk, its me who flunk. u got nothing to do with my life. and i dont blame u for my poor results. its all my fault. its all me. are u all happy now????!!!
|
|
| so shoot me. |
[14 Oct 2004|04:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
worthless |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
-x- odd project -x- |
] |
went back to school today.
just coz my mom forced me to.
had maths mock exam.
its this year's O levels june paper.
i swear its fuckin hard.
now i feel worthless.
i think i failed it.
and june paper is supposed to be easier than november paper.
-
that means..
come november.
the day of my maths paper.
that will be my death day.
-
ok i realise this is a boring entry.
lets make it interesting.
-
Cut me open.
Drug me.
-
*combs her hair like an emo kid*
*puts on a Thursday shirt*
*picks up the microphone*
~ahem~
-
*sings*
"black lines where your eyes used to shine. cross our hearts, we're sippin' shots of cyanide. kiss my lips and taste this, this suicide. we sleep with the enemy and kill what we love. cursed with the gift of beauty. you wield it like its... a loaded gun. so lets burn our bridges before they're built. never say "I love you" till blood is spilt."
-
*bending down and growling*
"blood is spilt."
-
"choke on my name... as you whisper. can you taste the blood on your lips as the syllables slit your throat."
-
*jumps*
-
"you say that im everything that you want...well im everything that you hate, and it goes unsaid.
the way you whispered, you lied. you always lie to me again."
-
*rolls on the floor*
-
"with these broken windows and these tear stained lies i wont be sleeping alone tonight.
but we tried... we tried so hard..."
-
*bending down and growling*
-
"so explain this time with the barrel of a gun down your fucking throat.
i said i loved you, but now you make me choke on my words."
-
"with these broken windows and these tear stained lies i wont be sleeping alone tonight."
-
*on the floor, sweating like a pig*
-
okay i give up on trying to be happy.
nevertheless, hurray for Odd Project.
-
to be honest, i really have nothing interesting to type here and im sorry u had to read this.
|
|
| check out my new layout |
[13 Oct 2004|01:17am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
-x- scarling -x- |
] |
Mr Raj, Mr Sim, Mr Chew and Mdm Rahimah came to my place today. *surprise! surprise!* well, just to check what the fuck is wrong with me coz ive been skipping school too often. good arh? anyhows, my mom was good enough that she told them that i rather study at home than in school (with not much lessons going on and pretendious mofos all around me). they were like "what if she has doubts? can she cope studying alone? wouldnt she be much more lonelier to study at home?"
oh guess what, i feel much more peaceful studying alone at home. and my mom was like "i let her go out to study with her outside friends who are willing to study with her and who dont put her down." oh mommy up urs! well yeah, i rather study with Deepan and others than those pretendious shitheads. at least he dont think im fuckin stupid.
neway, im waiting for my dearest twisted sis, Martina to call or text me. we're planning to study together this saturday. hopefully she can make it. and yeah, maybe study with Deepan and Aini too. i realised that i only have them and no one else. how much more pathetic is my life gonna get?
maybe its all my fuckin fault that things have to turn out this way.
ps: i love that marquee thingie coz it makes the entry looks exciting lol!
|
|
| three simple words bled me dry |
[11 Oct 2004|05:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 numb to all the pain |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
converge *concubine* |
] |
had a very horrendous day.
i think ive pissed off Faezah. okay, am very certain that shes pissed off at me. erm.. did i say something wrong? dont think so. er.. maybe i did and i didnt realise it. oh people guess what, i dont care if i did. coz i know that im a fuckin dopeass loser who cant do anything right. yadda~ yadda~
it was so good of Hannah Kee to accompany me home then walked with me to mrt station. oh yeah, i must point this out. there was this random guy, or mat rather, kept staring at me in the train. he and his friends were like "whoa that girl is cute.. go for her!" haha how retarded! when i was about to alight, that dickie came up to me "hi.. i think ur cute, can i have ur number?" i gave him a weird stare told him to fuck off. nyahahah! i hate guys trying to pick me up at some random places. thats so low. plus, hes a mat. get it? M-A-T! motherfuckin MAT! ill puke on ur shirt u drunk son of a bitch. lol. ok, enough about that mat. so annoying and bloody stupid.
went to causeway point and i purchased a pink nailpolish. w00oot! then off to woodlands library to study. did Amaths while waiting for dearest Deepan and hawt Aini to come. they were late. well yeah at least they turned up, unlike some clown. hint hint. anyhows the 3 of us then went to study at BK coz the library was fuckin pack with noisy humans. so we spent about a few hours studying (i think.. lol). he loaned me Converge and 2 Dillinger Escape Plan cds. w00oott! gracias! oh.. am so happy i can finish up my Amaths with only 3 questions that i really have no freakin idea about. off to causeway point (again) coz Aini wanna search for eyerings. oh did i mention shes beautiful? haha well she is. ur one hellova lucky guy Deepan! lmfao! oh well, theyre a really cute couple. i hope that both of u will be blessed with eternal happiness. walked around that darn mall till i was fuckin stoned and depressed as a dirtbag.
took a taxi. cried in there. stopped at a mall near my place. bought a new knife. did some body slashing. ahhhh what beauty... came home acting like nothing happened.
dad: so who did u go study with?
me: with people who truly understands me and dont think im so fuckin stupid to study with
dad: errr???
me: oh, they are great people, no worries
all in all its still a bad day coz i ended up hurting myself to feel better. tho hanging out with Deepan and Aini was great. still... the shiny surface and the sensation of dragging it across my skin saved my day.
|
|
| wish me luck y0! |
[10 Oct 2004|07:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 geeky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
-x- scarling -x- |
] |
ive just finised studying maths. whoa! the whole day i study maths. what a geek!
erm.. ok lets see... am gonna meet Rudie tomorrow. gosh, wish me luck darlings! i always fear that others will turn away from me once they see me. urgh!!! this paranoia is so haunting. imagine a loser like me go meet up some random cool dude. what if he hates me coz i walk with a limp? what if he hates me coz im muthafuckin short? what if he hates me...? what if?? urghhhh!!!! stop it Fariza!!!!!!! *smacks her own head*
anyhows, we decided to go studying at a library. yeah, ive been a geek i know. since im a coward, i decided to drag Deepan along nyahahaha! im still scared... urghhhh!! i always get very low self-esteem whenever im about to meet someone. urgh!
|
|
| shagadelic weekend and im loving it! *sarcasm* |
[10 Oct 2004|01:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
-x- the blood brothers -x- |
] |
( random.band.pics )
if only im not a loser like i am now, i wanna form an all girl band. but too bad all the girls i know only dance around to hiphop and other shit music which i rather not mention coz its pointless and i will only end up bitching at it. nyahahahaha! if only i have money, i would run away from here and go America. then ill form a band there. at least the scene there is much bigger than here. here is so motherfuckin pathetic. having a band is fun but its nothing when u aint got any shows. thats what Junaidi told me last time. true. thats the whole thing about having a band. sharing ur music with others. yadda~ yadda~ but i dont wanna form some gay ass pop punk band. i mean.. wtf? pop punk?! go suck on dicks coated with barbed wire!
i need something hard. something which someone could play it on their stereo real loud and go "dude, this is what i need." i want my music to be the source where angst can be expressed thru it.
yeah.. thatll be so hawt. i cant wait till O levels is over so i could form a band with anti_star. w00oot!! be fuckin sure to expect a mindblowing vocals by him. hawt to the very inch baby!
|
|
| lady vamp's morbid romance with count dracula |
[09 Oct 2004|05:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
-x- dillinger escape plan -x- |
] |
deathly bored with nothing to update mofos! still pondering if i should go out but its like 5+ now and the train will be jam packed. yeah haha. whatever. wanted to take some pics of me but my dearest brother hid the cam somewhere so that i cant use it. how selfish. bleh.
oh yeah, check out this pic: http://vampirefreaks.com/pics/digitalstitches/01.jpg
i wanna have such makeup for my wedding with my beloved Count Dracula. hehe u know who u are. yeah we will get married in 7 years time. somewhere far away. in a castle thats full of candles and black roses. Mistress Vamp shall be my bridesmaid with this kinda makeup http://vampirefreaks.com/pics/plastikmizery/20.jpg
erm... wedding song will be A7x's Warmness On The Soul. dress code, all black. w00oott! oh yeah, guests will only be those who i love dearly and those of his loved ones. stupid, annoying people can go stick their big smelly ass at some fuckin dumpster nyahahaha!
hrm.... wedding night.. oops! that will only be known between me and him. muahahaha!!!
w000oott!! u turned me on baby. i love u!! muuuaackkss!!
|
|
| Hanna, i will strangle u any moment for making me a quiz monster like u hwahahaha!!! |
[05 Oct 2004|02:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
eagles *hotel california* |
] |
Take the quiz: "Method of Suicide"
Mutilation
You have come to terms with your demons and wish to see yourself bleed. Your method of suicide is Mutilation.
^^yay! Hanna, im the same as u.. maybe we can do it together muahahaha! jk
Take the quiz: "How truly depressed are you?"
Suicidally Depressed
You are longing to kill yourself, you slit your wrists, not for fun, but because you want the world to see your pain
^^maybe i am...
Take the quiz: "What Cutter Fits You Best"
From Depression
you cut because you hate life and you always get depressed from alot of things and cut to make it all go away
^^sadly.. its true...
Take the quiz: "Which Marilyn Manson Single Are You?"
Man That You Fear
You are Man That you Fear from the Antichrist Superstar album. People fear you...you're a monster! Not really. But they do fear you, probably because they just don't understand you. You wish your life was a dream and you'd kill yourself faster than parents get pissed at you...and that's fast!
^^hmm.. interesting
Take the quiz: "Should you be a VAMPIRE?"
Yes....You are perfect.....
WOW! we have a regular Dracula on our hands! You have everything the sins, the girls/guys, the blood, and the mystery!yay! how i envy you...just joking.
^^well... i am afterall Lady Vamp hehehehe
Take the quiz: "WHAT OBJECT DO YOU USE TO CUT YOUR-SELF?"
KNIFE
knife...you wana die by cutting yourself..
^^yeah.. any knives will do.. even kitchen knife
Take the quiz: "what is your fetish?"
bondage
you have a bondage fetish. congrats. u might be a dominator, or a dominatrix, or you might like the one being whiped. lol.
^^hehehe yeah thats soooo true
|
|
| this is probably the gayiest entry by lady vamp |
[04 Oct 2004|07:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
my friend said to me this today.
"u know, once those people get what they want, their depression will soon recover"
that triggered me to wonder the whole day. is that true? if it is then what is it that i want? gosh i have no answer to that. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) musicalfall said that maybe i need company. that triggered me to suddenly feel so lonely and empty like a can of soda. iono.. do i? i mean, is that what i really want? company.. as in.. friends? sure i have friends. Jian Yong, Martina, Rinie, Deepan, Azhar, Faezah. they are all my friends. and i love them all dearly. even if im only their shit-theres-noone-else-to-talk-to-but-her kinda friend. i dont care all those. i dont care if they feel that way about me. but one thing for sure is that for as long as im alive, ill always be here for them. even if im gone, ill always be with them spiritually. once a day i think of them. and i dont give 2 fucks if they dont do the same for me.
or maybe what my friend meant was, i need someone to love and someone to love me back. iono.. do i? but if its really love that i need, does love really have to hurt? just look at my past. ok i know i shouldnt dwell on my past but hey! why the fuck do we learnt history for? so that we can learn from our mistakes in the past right? so anyhows, just look at my past (if u notice, im repeating what i said just now, and yes im retarded).
first guy, Steve. gosh i really thought that he was the one for me. we were together for like 15 months. we even talked about getting married and having kids, moving to New Jersey with him and shits. then he screwd me up for another girl. it hurts really bad. does love really have to hurt? (im repeating what i said again)
next, is Raj. i know all of u probably think hes a jerk and all. maybe he is. maybe he isnt. he would call me up at 1 or 2 in the morning to talk to me. there was one occasion when i really felt like ending my life and i told Jian Yong about it, guess what, he called me just so i wouldnt do it. until one fateful day when he finally disappear. i waited for u, my once dearie diabetic irritating miserable choca mocha cheeky asshole punk doll. remember that phrase? i used to call u that, dont i? and im ur cheeky goddess of the unknown land of laughter. i waited for ur call, ur msgs but u left w/o a word. i dont care what u did to me that hurt me but i want u to know that i greatly appreciate what uve given me. a memory of u being so caring and calling me late at night.. and i keep those memories in the scar i have of ur name on my arm. but i still dont understand why u desert me like that. it hurts a fuck load. does love really have to hurt? (yes im aware that im repeating myself AGAIN)
lastly, is Zakir. yeah yeah ok, the most famous name in my journal. dont get me wrong, i dont wanna fight with u but i just thought u deserve a... erm... mention? well, hes a very nice guy, really. from the bottom of me heart i truly mean what i said. i know u said that uve never given up on me and that u didnt turn ur back on me. maybe im just being paranoid that ur secretly hating me. that ur slowly leaving me. i know ur gonna say that i dont trust u. i wanted to. but after all ive been thru.. do u think its so easy to trust someone? it takes a long time to trust someone but it takes seconds to destroy the trust u had. yes? no? we used to have a great time, dont we? we would msg each other even before we bathe, right after we got up from our sleep. we had that plan in migrating to somewhere else so therell only be the 2 of us so we could do something cool? u remember i wrote u that poem? thats what i really feel for u. i guess u never get the hint, do u? u remember the other time i asked u if u wanna go out with me then u said ur school ends at 5pm? but the next day u told me u went to queenstown to hang out and then to study with ur friend? wow! arent u tired that u end school so late but u can go so far? and erm.. not meet me? are u avoiding me? u said that i lied about us starting anew. but hey! ur changing the scenery but not the fucking situation. ive always wanted to see u but ur so full of excuses. u used to be the reason for not cutting but it seems now like ur the reason for me to start cutting again. see how complicated things are? so tell me, people, does love really have to hurt? (ok ok, this is the 4th and last time im saying that line )
why oh why??!! i so envy every other couples. look at Aini, she have my dearest bro Deepan to love her with all his heart. look at Faezah, she have Saad who love her dearly and would lose his mind if she were to leave him. now look at me... i have a swiss army knife as my one true companion. to hurt me physically so that itll erase the hurt emotionally. what is it with this thing called love? it do me more harm than good. if love is the best thing on earth, then please for my ass sakes, tell me the answer to this fucked up question... does love really have to hurt? (ok, i take back what i said before.. this is the last time ill say this line)
|
|
| "i wanna headbang with a living dead girl" - Rudie *LOL* |
[03 Oct 2004|04:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bored |
] |
ermm well... theres nothing much to say. only thing is that i got an appointment at the hospital tomorrow. will be seeing Dr Khare and im all geared up to thrash the hell outta him lol.
anyhows, i was friendster-ing (ok i know, this word doesnt exist in the dictionary) awhile ago and i came across this group of girls' profile. and they asked me to have a look at their pic gallery. so i did. just thought i share it with all of u.
http://angelsofmisery.mypicgallery.com/
look at the makeup they did to their eyes. so HOT!!! Lady Vamp, Mistress Vamp and Baby Vamp shall try it out and take a shit load of pics too.
ok. im bored. imma go do some maths revision. hahaha! what a good girl aye?
adiós amigos!
|
|
| the adventures of fariza and faezah |
[30 Sep 2004|05:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 mischievous |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
kittie *suck* |
] |
heres a lil something something of Lady Vamp's day.
today during recess. Faezah and i had a hard time trying to get away coz there were a few teachers walking here and there. afraid that we might get caught. so we waited for awhile and witnessed 3 or 4 other kids running away lols! when the close is clear, Faezah and i sped like dogs that had lost their puny minds. lucky there was Masrina to look out for us. then we hailed a taxi and off we went to Far East. yes thats right. FAR EAST! lmfao!
reached there, had our lunch and my beloved Faezah had 2 rounds of Barley drink. its nothing surprising to me coz weve been friends for like.. 4 years now? yeah. walked around and searched for a piercing shop. well.. i wanted to pierce my ears of coz. duh! nothing hardcore tho coz my parents are kinda strict. erm.. actually, why am i being such a good girl and listen to them???? *wonders* moving on, Faezah bought herself a new bag, which is rad and rather cute too coz theres this adorable babygirl's face on it. more like a girlish kinda bag. oh and also a new pink purse. and myself.. i purchased a pack of 6 bangles. gave 2 bangles to Faezah and the other 4 are for me hehe. oh yeah, notice that i underlined that word? hahaha only Jian Yong and his scam squad knows what i mean. then we went to 77th street and Faezah was attracted to this really awesome pink belt. haha whats with u today? so girlish all of a sudden lolx. myself, on the other hand, pierced 1 on the right ear and 2 on the left ear. weeeeee~!! i used to have piercings then but i took it off. am very glad that i had it back :) oh! the studs are pink color!!! girlish lols!
last thing i bought was this cool arm socks (but made of fishnets.. so is it supposed to be called fishnets or arm socks? lmfao! pardon me, im very very stupid).
went home in a taxi. Faezah and i had motion sickness. hahaha so silly of us.
all in all it was great. shopping is always the best way to cheer urself up. right Faezah? hehehe. at least its better than school, thats for sure. school sucks humongous 1 foot dicks!!
was supposed to meet that dumb counsellor after school but i didnt turn up. cant be bothered. counsellors sucks. doctors sucks. teachers sucks. school sucks. Faezah and i rules the kingdom of laziness! hurray! still pondering if i should go school tomorrow. bleh.
p/s: Mr Raj was really kind to me. he said if i ever need someone to talk to, i could call him at any time and talk about anything. he was dead serious about it too. hmm.. maybe i should consider him to be my sugar daddy? ROFL!!! no way!!! i shall stop liking guys with the name of RAJ hahahaha!
Fariza and Faezah adores pink now instead of black lmfao! trying to be girlish for once lols!
|
|
| love + school - beauty x prozacs ÷ happiness = MY SHITTY LIFE |
[29 Sep 2004|03:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rasputina *a quitter* |
] |
40 simple steps to be like me
1) go to school
2) sleep in class
3) get shitty results
4) joke with friends *as if theres nothing wrong inside my goddamn head*
5) curse teachers *a reminder! b.c. they are shitheads and they deserved to get cursed*
6) return home
7) dwell in my sorrow at the corner of the room
8) which triggers suicidal tendencies
9) reach out for something sharp
10) the calmness in me *gosh it feels good*
11) indulge in uneducational smsing
12) which lead to the planning of our mission in killing our-loser-selves *its Martina and i that im referring to*
13) watch uneducational shows in tv
14) blast to loud music which some refers to as noise pollution
15) of coz, how can i forget my dearest Zakir
16) yes i admit, im very much obsessed with him
17) constantly doubting if he really am sincere in wanting me as in wanting me
18) which eventually sparks off fights
19) blame myself for all the fights that we had
20) self injury is like a routine
21) never self injure urself with pants zip *as suggested by Martina LMFAO*
22) b.c. thats the most loser way to self mutilate
23) i hate Damien Fahey
24) and William Hung too *who happens to be Damien Fahey's gay partner*
25) this is one hell of an entry. which provides no entertainment whatsoever
26) this entry is all about me
27) me, me and more of me
28) and Zakir *heres a handcuff, gagged me up hunny, u know u wanna*
29) not forgetting my twisted twin, Martina *for which we are the self-proclaim queen and princess of pain*
30) this entry is like neverending
31) u wanna stop reading it?
32) fuck u!
33) am very upset
34) thats why im glueing my ass on the chair and type uneducational things here
35) i hate my brother
36) he thinks im crazy
37) i generally hate people who always kept changing partners
38) b.c. i think theyre plain stupid and deathly horny
39) okay, im sorry, i didnt mean that
40) alright, maybe i did
|
|
| with one word, i cut us both |
[28 Sep 2004|09:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
...and so we are back to normal...
i know i cant live without him
hes the best guy ever
tho he hurt me before
but we are only humans
even ive hurt him too
sorry baby
...me miss u...
|
|
| to all those ive hurt |
[27 Sep 2004|04:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
discontent |
] |
we had something great
then it was washed away
we had something more
then i can explain
....im sorry....
we had something great
then it was washed away
not all friendships last..
hope someday youll think of me..
..i know someday ill think of you....
|
|
| bleh |
[26 Sep 2004|10:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
gloria gayner *i will survive* |
] |
i am but ur nazi toy.
ur dirty sex ploy.
stay away from me.
dont sms me if im nothing but ur toy.
i dont need ur sweet talking.
i dont need u...
..i guess...
gosh..
this sucks big balls!
|
|
| my latest disasterpiece <3 wwoooo!!! im such a romantic person!!! |
[24 Sep 2004|09:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
-x- molotove -x- (i love the band but not the guitarist lol) |
] |
-Morbid Liaison- by Lady Vamp
who are you?
for you have sinned
for you have stolen this tiny heart of mine
who are you?
for you have sinned
for you have hypnotised my chaotic mind
tonight, my dear one, i've come for you
in this envisioned darkness
we'll dance to the mournful song
for you have sinned, my sacred lust
for you had given life to these deadened emotions of mine
broken stems and crimson petals
scattered all over the cold marble floor
let me snuggle against you
let me lie in your arms
let us be together, now and forever
the soulful agonizing music
became the sheer expression of my desperation
moaning, loud and raucous
you spun me around the dim room
i could feel my heart pulsating
as you burrow your face in my neck
fear is gone
now that i'm with you
fear is gone
now that i'm still alive with you
there won't be a boundary between madness and sanity
for i couldn't save myself from your embrace
for i couldn't save my lips from your soft kisses
your smile only gleams in solemn shadow
but you, my dead, my flesh, my precious one
your lustrous sweetness runs course through me
through my veins
through my blood
all the blood in me will sink our dark grave
we will sleep fitfully not
for we are half in love with death
hold me now
hold me tight
never let go, not now, not ever
just dance through the night
for your eyes are magnetic
for your eyes had melted away my loneliness
who are you?
for you have sinned
for you have killed every single anguish in my mind
who are you?
for you have sinned
for you have stolen this fragile heart of mine
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
